2012 Reads

Yup, pretty much I got married... Hopefully we can pick it up a little more this year!

Type 2 Diabetes for Beginners (Phyllis Barrier, MS)
One Summer (David Baldacci)
The Icarus Agenda (Robert Ludlum) *on hold*
War and Peace (Leo Tolstoy) *gave up*

The First 51 Days of Forever

I think it's funny that the one question people keep asking us is, "How is married life treating you?" My answer every time has been, "Amazingly well; I have no complaints... Surprised?" :0)

Life continues to be every bit as wonderful as it was before we got married, just... a million times better. And it's definitely a learning curve in so many ways... I'm not sure I'll every really completely grasp how truly amazing life can be, because I'm blown away every day as I find countless blessings in our new life.

For better and for worse, here are some things I've learned so far in my journey from "me" to "we"...

1. Merging two peoples' lives together isn't nearly as hard as merging two peoples' stuff.
2. There is no such thing as planning for car trouble.
3. Disagreements don't count against you, but talking and figuring it out definitely count for you.
4. Marriage will not change a night owl into an early bird.
5. Love is getting out of bed to go to work when you really don't want to.
6. Things really do just work out when you're doing what you're supposed to.
7. A hug can fix anything.
8. "Being" something is often more important than "doing" something.
9. Loving someone unconditionally is easier than you think.
10. Allowing yourself to be loved unconditionally is harder than you think.

I'm so grateful for the amazing man I married! Long walks on the beach and watching the sunset over an alpine lake are special memories I will always cherish, but they will never compare to coming home to my best friend every single day.

The Truth About Fathers... Er, Something...

Two days after attending our new ward together for the first time, Jason and I were called in to meet with a member of the bishopric. Over the course of the next half hour, I was extended a calling to serve as the Beehive Advisor in our ward, Jason and I were asked to co-teach the Temple Preparation class, we were asked to "facilitate" the youth temple trips in our ward and - finally - we were asked so speak in church on Father's Day. Maybe it’s ironic that preparing for the talk was the one thing I've been feeling even remotely anxious about. Jason came up with the idea of inviting both our parents to be come and hear us speak (and that they came), which made the opportunity even more nerve-wracking, but also intensely personal and special to me. I decided to share the thoughts I prepared here, since many of you that know my parents might get at least a chuckle or two of your own:

I love my dad. I always have… although I know that like most children, I haven’t always been the best about showing it. But as I’ve been reflecting this last few weeks about our family and my dad, I’ve been able to remember experiences I’ve had with him and the little nuggets of truth I learned through watching him and spending time with him. While the words I’ve prepared are, in truth, primarily for him, I know that as you reflect on your own fathers, grandfathers, even your husbands or yourselves, that you’ll find or remember some of your own nuggets of truth…

1. Girls Can Do – & Enjoy – Everything That Boys Can… My dad is the self-proclaimed president of the J.U.G. – Just Us Girls. As the father of three daughters and no sons, he often found himself out numbered and frequently determined that if you can’t beat them, join them. But he also took great pride in teaching us things most boys manage to teach themselves, probably much to Mom’s chagrin, who was trying to raise “ladies.” But as two of the three of us married into families of all boys, I can attest that this was probably wonderful foresight on Dad’s part. From sports to doing heavy yard work, we each learned that doing “boy things” really isn’t that bad.
2. God Made This Beautiful World For Us to Enjoy… Dad *loves* being outside, whether we’re home or out exploring. Because of my Dad, I love to grow things, play with fire and sleep in tents (even in the backyard). I love watching for wildlife while I’m driving, playing in rain puddles after watching storms move though or just laying outside on the grass and absorbing all the wonderful things that God has blessed us with…
3. Everything Can Be Interesting… It’s not an uncommon thing to have Dad come inside and say, “Come out here I want to show you something.” Sometimes it’s the grain of a tree trunk he just cut open or the way the cat is rolling around on the back porch. Dad loves to share newspaper clippings and short excerpts from Louis L'Amour novel he’s reading.
4. Written Words Have Meaning, Sometimes Even More Meaning Than What Is Spoken… I love getting letters and notes from my dad. I will always remember getting mail from Dad at Scout Camp, talking about how he wished I could be there to tell him the name of all the stars he could see. It was always such a tender thing to me to know that I was on his mind wherever he was.
5. You Learn More From People That Are Different From You… We have always been encouraged to try new things, to meet new people and to learn about those around us. I know that my passion for a large variety of ethnic food and music, as well as my habit of looking beyond the differences I see in others to find commonalities, I learned from him.
6. The Kitchen Is Both a Playground and a Lab… Both of my sisters and I learned to cook from our Mom. But I would say we love to cook because of Dad. Through his example, we all learned to experiment, play with recipes and try new things, knowing that sometimes our concoctions turn out better than others, but always learning and preparing for next time.
7. If You’re Passionate About Something, Share It… Dad is a carpenter by hobby, and if Dad’s working in the shop, he loves company… even if “company” is the cat. He loves to teach others skills he’s learned and loves it even more when that person uses those skills to build something for others.
8. Helping Others Succeed Is More Important – & More Fun – Than Succeeding Yourself… Dad love to fish. He’s got the fishing vest, tackles boxes, hats with hooks in them… But it’s not uncommon for us to leave the lake we’re at with Dad’s trophy being along the lines of a crawdad that found the worm on the end his line that he left drifting two feet from shore while he went to help someone else or grab lunch from the car. I think on the specific “crawdad” trip I’m remembering, my sister walked away having caught at least half-a-dozen fish, and Dad was there to cheer her on for every one.
9. Perspective Is Important… I will always remember the wise words my Dad said before my family drove off, having dropped me off at college my freshman year at BYU: “The most important thing I learned in college was how little I know.”
10. Do What Is Right, Regardless of the Consequences or What Others Think, & Remember that Sometimes the Doing Right Thing Hurts… I don’t think anyone I’ve ever known exemplifies this better than my parents. They chose to do what they thought was best for their family, even if that meant personal sacrifices and growing apart from friends.
11. There is Always a Right Tool For the Job… Again, with Dad’s shop. I remember any number of times, working on a household “fix-it” project and he disappear to look for the “right” tool. He’d come back a few minutes later with a tool that looked like it popped out of a Dr. Seuss book… but it did the job. I also learned through his example that sometimes we are that “right” tool or instrument that God uses to fix things for others. He has always been an amazing example of serving others.
12. Everything Has a Name & a Home… Sometimes Dad would send *us* off in search of the “right” Dr. Seuss tool, which sometimes felt like our own personal crusade. But he always knew exactly where it lived, what it was called and exactly how it looked. In watching this pattern, I’ve learned that this is how our Heavenly Father is with us. He knows where we are, who we are, what we’re doing and how we feel, 100% of the time. If we’re asked to go in search of those that need us, He will always give us what we need to find them.
13. Sometimes You Have to Do Stupid Things So You Can Live to Tell About Them Later… I know that we all do stupid things, I’ve done lots… so at least I hope I’m not the only one. But I’ve learned to not ever regret what I’ve done as long as I learned from the experience. Sometimes it’s something like hiking under an avalanche cave and sometimes it’s more serious, but I know I’ve been the “right” tool for helping another because of what I learned through something stupid that I’d done.
14. Sometimes You Have to Roll Back to Go Forward… Dad taught me how to drive a stick shift in a 1973 Chevy pick-up. I learned the basics in our church parking lot, but then found myself driving home that night at a stop sign at the top of a hill. I knew there would be an anxious moment when I would roll backwards between when I took my foot off the brake and toggled the gas and clutch… and there was another car right behind me. Dad coached me through that night and no fenders were kissed, but even more than the immediate lesson I learned that night, I now understand that sometimes this happens even when we’re not driving. There have been times when I wanted to move forward in my life, but felt like I was rolling backwards instead. I know now that without those anxious moments of rolling backwards, I wouldn’t have managed to move forward to where I needed to be… and to where I am now.
15. Importance of Forgiveness & Repentance… Dad and I are both stubborn, and there have been more than a few times when we’ve butted heads over the years. But the day I went through the temple to receive my endowment, he was there to hold my hand while an important prayer was said. It is also not insignificant to me that my dad was the first person I went to the first time I entered the Celestial Room. I have learned how important it is to forgive ourselves and others of things that would drive us apart, to repent in earnest and let things go. I know that when we do this, God takes care of the rest.
16. People Can Change If They Want To… I am so grateful that we are not stuck in life, that we can continue to grow and progress. My dad has taught me that we are capable of becoming something we are not when really desire it for ourselves and others… and that love is one of the most powerful driving forces for that change.
17. Be Prepared for Anything… Dad was Scout Master of our ward’s troop for over seven years while I was in middle school and high school, and if there is one thing that I learned through all of the experiences he had – and we had as a family – during those years, this was it. Be prepared. I know this applies to our physical circumstances most regularly, but for me I’ve found the applications more in my mental and spiritual preparedness. Sometimes we don’t know what’s around the next bend, but if we keep our minds and our hearts open to the possibilities, and are mentally and spiritually prepared for whatever comes, amazing blessings are in store for us.
18. Not All Love Languages Are the Same… This is perhaps the one lesson I’ve learned in watching my Dad that has taken the longest, and I know I’m still learning this principle on many levels and in many relationships. My dad grew up in a family where love wasn’t exactly expressed in ways that would have been easily identified. They didn’t hug, they didn’t kiss, they didn’t say “I love you.” But Dad knew his parents loved him, and he learned to love the same way. I can’t remember ever hearing Dad grumble about getting up before the sun to commute into work on BART. Although he didn’t always like his commute or his job, work was essential; it work was how he provided for his family, and that was a huge way he showed how much he cared about us. I’ve come to understand a little more over the last few months as I’ve had to wake up much sooner than my body would like to go to work to help support my own new family, while Jason finishes school… and I know that’s what gets me out of bed in the morning, wanting to fill my responsibilities for my family (although I’m infinitely more grumbly about it than Dad ever was). Now, with my own husband, I am grateful that I recognize that not all love languages are the same… In fact, no two people on earth express and want love expressed the same way. Even God has different ways of expressing His love for us. While my sisters and I often wanted our Dad to hug us and tell us things would be okay if we fell off our bike, Dad would pick us up, sit us on the bike and tell us to keep riding… and we often just fell off again. I think that sometimes a loving Heavenly Father teaches us and loves us the same way… He picks us off, dusts us off and tells us to keep trying. Even though I am still learning all the different ways love is communicated between me and those I care so much for, I’m grateful to know there are differences so I can continually watch for the signs of love that surround me.
19. Dads are Heroes, But They are Also a Human… Growing up, Dad was our hero. He could do things we only dreamed of doing… He ran faster than any of us. He could throw us in the air but always catch us. He would eat spiders when they scared us or catch them with his bare hands to throw them outside. He fought mice that got in our house, mean cats in the neighborhood that were bothering our own… in every definition of the word, he was the Man of our home. But I also know that my Dad and my hero is as human as the rest of us. He has things that scare him, things that make him hurt and things that make him cry. This is one of the greatest lessons I’ve learned through my Dad and it parallels a talk given last October in General Conference. Sister Elaine S. Dalton, who – quoting President David O. McKay – emphasized that “The most important thing a father can do for his [daughter] is to love [her] mother.” Because of his different love language, it hasn’t always been easy to see the love Dad has for Mom, but I know when I look at specific times in my life, that he cares for her deeply.

Two years ago, I felt I was rolling backward a little when I found myself moving home after 10 years of being on my own and wasn’t really sure where the turns ahead would lead. But being prepared for anything, and knowing that God knew what I was going through and where I was, I trusted I was where He needed me to be. Not long after I moved home, Mom got really sick. Mom and Dad were on vacation together and so Mom was flown into a hospital in Seattle. The five days that followed were some of the most difficult I’ve ever faced, more difficult I think than almost any other personal trial I’ve been through… But they are also some of the most cherished I have. It is probably the one time in my life that I’ve seen all of my Dad for who he really is… I remember the fear in his voice at the thought of losing his wife. I remember the pain he felt being out there almost alone, but not wanting my sisters and I to come, protecting us from how bad things really got. I saw all of this clearly. But mostly what I remember is the love he showed her, not leaving her side unless it was absolutely necessary, until she started showing signs of recovery. The tender care he gave her as he provided home care for her over the several months that followed. Human as ever, but a hero in spite of it.

I am so grateful for this day we have to celebrate our fathers. I am so grateful for a Heavenly Father that sent me to the parents I needed most, that would help me become the woman I need to be. I am grateful for the temple that has provided my family the opportunity to be together through eternity. I am grateful for my parents who – in spite of their personal imperfections – have always loved their daughters perfectly.

Here's to all the wonderful father's out there - most particularly my own...

Happy Father's Day!!

9 Days Wonder

I'm laughing at the irony that for the first time in a long while I have legitimate things to be writing about on my blog... but I'm so crazy-busy with those legitimate things that I don't have time to write. Go figure.

So, here's a shout out/update on the last few months...

I'M GETTING MARRIED IN NINE DAYS!!!!!

It's sinking in...

I think...

A little...




I hope to have more time to write about all this awesomeness in the coming months.

But then again, I may well be keeping myself even busier to even more legitimate things... I guess time will tell. ;0)

Love you all!!

100 More Things You Probably Didn't Need To Know About Me, But I Was Bored So Here They Are Anyway...

1. Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed? Closed. Tightly.
2. Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel? Depends on how they smell.
3. Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out? In.
4. Have you ever stolen a street sign before? Not in my recorded memory.
5. Do you like to use post-it notes? Yes.
6. Do you cut out coupons but then never use them? Unfortunately...
7. Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of a bees? What's the bear's name? Define "attacked"... Either way, I'm pretty sure I'd pick the bear. Bees are a bit more unpredictable, I think.
8. Do you have freckles? Most definitely. Wouldn't have it any other way!
9. Do you always smile for pictures? Nope. Making crazy faces is *WAY* more fun.
10. What is your biggest pet peeve? Intentional stupidity.
11. Do you ever count your steps when you walk? That depends on if you think it's weird or not...
12. Have you ever peed in the woods? In the dirt, actually. Have you ever tried climbing a tree when you have to pee? Weird.
13. What about pooped in the woods? (Note: See answer to question 12. Substitute "pee" for "poop".)
14. Do you ever dance even if there's no music playing? (Note: See answer to question 11.)
15. Do you chew your pens and pencils? Pens: Yes. Pencils: NO!! Gross!
    
16. Were you named after anyone? Yes; my Dad's mom and his oldest sister (who only lived a few days).
17. What size is your bed? Twin.
18. What is your song of the week? Say Hey (I Love You) by Michael Franti & Spearhead
19. Is it okay for guys to wear pink? I have very mixed emotions about this... I think some guys can pull it off, but definitely not *all* guys. I feel the same way about facial hair.
20. Do you still watch cartoons? Most definitely!!
21. Whats your least favorite movie? That I've seen? A movie that shall remain nameless... because I've blocked it from my memory. So bad... I think it was one of the Monty Python movies. (Don't get me wrong; LOVE Holy Grail! But some of the others are... well... *disturbing* just doesn't quite cut it...)
22. Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some? Under all the clothes in the bottom drawer of my dresser. Oh wait, why do you need to know?
23. What do you drink with dinner? Di-hydrogen monoxide.
24. What do you dip a chicken nugget in? Ranch. Or honey mustard.
25. What is your favorite food? Pretty much all things carbohydrate. Sucks for me.
26. What movie could you watch over and over and still love? You've Got Mail & Just Like Heaven
27. Last person you kissed/kissed you? The boy.
28. Last person you talked to on the phone? My graphic designer at work.
    
29. Were you ever a boy/girl scout? Nope.
30. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper? Prolly over a year ago. Is that bad? I totally can't remember. I've written cards!
31. Can you change the oil on a car? Yes, however, I do not choose to.
32. Ever gotten a speeding ticket? Uh, yes. Two. One in Arizona (whilst on vacation) and once in Nevada (whilst driving my sister back to school in Utah).
33. Ran out of gas? No. *SERIOUSLY knocking on wood*
34. Favorite kind of sandwich? Reuben. Corned beef... none of this pastrami stuff. Blech.
35. Best thing to eat for breakfast? Breakfasty foods, duh!
36. What is your usual bedtime? Sometime between when the sun goes down and when it comes back up again...
37. Are you lazy? Only sometimes...
38. When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween? Cat, witch, honeybee, pirate, Pebbles Flinstone (oh wait, that was high school... uhhh...).
39. What is your Chinese astrological sign? Dog.
40. How many languages can you speak? 2: 1 verbally, 1 visually.
41. Do you have any magazine subscriptions? Yes, the Friend LDS Church magazine.
42. Which are better legos or lincoln logs? Lincoln Logs!!
43. Are you stubborn? Silly question. Is the sky blue?
44. Who is better...Leno or Letterman? I wouldn't choose to watch either.
45. Ever watch soap operas? Nope.
46. Afraid of heights? Depends... mostly no, but sometimes yes, very.
47. Sing in the car? Every day!
48. Dance in the shower? Occasionally... just have to be careful to not slip. :0/
49. Dance in the car? Definitely!
50. Ever used a gun? Yup, the poor soda can was defenseless!
51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? Prolly in 2004...
52. Do you think musicals are cheesy? Yup, that's why they're so awesome!!
53. Is Christmas stressful? It can be, but I don't think it *should* be.
54. Ever eat a pierogi? Yes. And the equivalent from other countries besides Poland too!
55. Favorite type of fruit pie? Marion berry... unless pumpkin counts.
56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? Veterinarian, zoo keeper & mommy.
57. Do you believe in ghosts? Sure do.
58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? I've had a few legit ones... Kinda surreal.
59. Take a vitamin daily? I'm still a Flinstone kid! Woot!
60. Wear slippers? Sometimes, but probably not enough. My feet are always cold!
61. Wear a bath robe? Yes, but rarely after I shower or bathe... Usually in the middle of the night if I need to go to the bathroom or get a drink...
62. What do you wear to bed? Safe Answer: a whole lot of blankets... :0D
63. First concert? Probably the Area Band Festival at Concord High School when I was 10. I played the flute with a bunch of other 4th - 6th graders.
64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart? Target.
65. Nike or Adidas? Sketchers.
66. Cheetos Or Fritos? Fritos.
67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds? Sunflower seeds.
68. Ever hear of the group Tres Bien? Yes. Just now.
69. Ever take dance lessons? Not officially.
70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing? Whatever he wants that will support our family and make him happy.
71. Can you curl your tongue? Yuppers.
72. Ever won a spelling bee? HA!! (That would be a no. Resoundingly so.)
73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy? Many times.
74. Own any record albums? No, but Mom & Dad do...
75. Own a record player? Dad has a Victrola.
76. Regularly burn incense? Smelly candles, essential oils, Vick's VapoSteam...
77. Ever been in love? Yup. :0)
78. Who would you like to see in concert? Some rock concerts are okay, but the level of enjoyment is equivalent to the level of hearing I still have after it's over. I *love* classical concerts, piano soloists, folk, easy listening, new age...
79. What was the last concert you saw? Either TSO or Jon Schmidt...
80. Hot tea or cold tea? No tea.
81. Tea or coffee? Okay, well... herbal tea.
82. Sugar or snickerdoodles? Straight sugar? Or snickerdoodles? Pretty sure those are both on a restricted-use basis nowadays.
83. Can you swim well? Define well. I can swim well enough for some things, but don't plan on me going into the Coast Guard anytime in the next 1,000 years.
84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? Yes. It's a little more challenging under water, but yes.
85. Are you patient? I'm a whole lot better than I used to be, which may or may not scare some people, because I'm still pretty bad... :0(
86. DJ or band, at a wedding? Homemade CDs on shuffle. :0D
87. Ever won a contest? I won a tooth whitening from my dentist that they never gave me...
88. Ever have plastic surgery? Nope. Prolly never will either.
89. Which are better black or green olives? GREEN!! Loves the green olives!!
90. Can you knit or crochet? Uh, no. But I can sew, glue and pin!
91. Best room for a fireplace? Family room.
92. Do you want to get married? Yup.
93. Any tattoos? The not-so-permanent "just add water" types...
94. Who was your HS crush? A boy that didn't deserve me.
95. Do you cry and throw a fit until you get your own way? No. Pretty sure that wouldn't turn out the way I want it to anyway.
96. Do you have kids? Not yet.
97. Do you want kids? For surely!
98. What's your favorite smell? I love the smell of a new sunrise in the mountains, a cold sunset on the beach, fresh rain on eucalyptus trees, O'Malley laying in the sun, clean babies and a certain boy.
    
99. What's your favorite color? Blue takes first. Black is a close second. Followed by pretty much every neutral tone that looks good.
100. Do you miss anyone right now? Yup. Fortunately that won't last very much longer...

2011 Reads

So I totally fell off the book-wagon the last 2 months, but still... not too shabby!

The Boy in the Striped Pajamas (John Boyne)*
The Icarus Agenda (Robert Ludlum)
The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks (Rebecca Skloot)*
Deliver Us From Evil (David Baldacci)
A Company of Swans (Eva Ibbotson)
One Last Chance (Jerry Borrowman) - CD
Warriors 6: The Darkets Hour (Erin Hunter)
Warriors 5: A Dangerous Path (Erin Hunter)
Warriors 4: Rising Storm (Erin Hunter)
Murder by the Book (Betsy Brannon Green) - CD
Warriors 3: Forest of Secrets (Erin Hunter)
If I Should Die (Jennie Hansen) - CD
Warriors 2: Fire and Ice (Erin Hunter)
Warriors 1: Into the Wild (Erin Hunter)
True Blue (David Baldacci)
The Shadow of Your Smile (Mary Higgins Clark)
Crispin (Avi)
The Thief Lord (Cornelia Funke)
Poppy & Ereth (Avi)
Poppy Returns (Avi)
Ereth's Birthday (Avi)
Poppy & Rye (Avi)
Poppy (Avi)
Ragweed (Avi)
Code Red (Jennie Hansen)
The Morning Gift (Eva Ibbotson)
The Spiderwick Chronicles (Tony DiTerlizzi & Holly Black)
Two Little Girls in Blue (Mary Higgins Clark)
The Diary of Mattie Spencer (Sandra Dallas)*
The Hiding Place (Corrie ten Boom)*
Water for Elephants (Sara Gruen)
Ben-Hur (Lew. Wallace)
All Around the Town (Mary Higgins Clark)
Unbroken (Laura Hillenbrand)*
I'll Be Seeing You (Mary Higgins Clark)
Daddy's Little Girl (Mary Higgins Clark)
Elantris (Brandon Sanderson)*
An American Childhood (Annie Dillard)*
Stillwatch (Mary Higgins Clark)
The Second Time Around (Mary Higgins Clark)
Science Fair (Dave Barry & Ridley Pearson)*
First Family (David Baldacci)
When Tomorrow Comes (Jennie Hansen)
Pirate Latitudes (Michael Crichton)
Silent Night (Mary Higgins Clark)
Until the Dawn (Gale Sears)
Some Sweet Day (Jennie Hansen)
War and Peace (Leo Tolstoy) cont.

* CV I R.S. Book Club books...

My November Valentine

 

Mt. Tamalpais - November 25, 2011

The Blessings of a World Turned Upside Down

I am so grateful for a loving Father in Heaven and constantly in awe of the ways He blesses our lives with what we most need to help us through whatever trials come our way. He sends us love, joy, comfort, smiles, laughter and tears... But most importantly, He sends us others to share it all with. (Facebook post, 11/20/2011)

I have been reading (or trying to read) the same novel for over 9 weeks now. Anyone that knows me at all can probably imagine that this minor detail – while comparatively insignificant in the lives of many others out there – is a huge indication that things haven’t exactly been normal in Jessi-land.

For months now I’ve been fighting an array of medical challenges that have led me to see a number of different medical experts. From recurring sinus infections, to chronic fatigue, to thrush and significant unexplained weight loss, each of these specialists have been looking at their own piece of the puzzle in an attempt to figure out what’s going on. I have been frustrated to the point of tears, exasperated to the point of laughing and hoping upon hope that they would find something - anything - so that I could start improving at least my mental well-being (I'm sure the fact that my job has been really rocky and that my social life has been non-existent have not helped). After weeks of blood work (I don't even want to count how many tubes), testing for anything from celiac to cystic fibrosis, my hematologist (running a routine test on my iron levels) called to let me know that my blood glucose levels were high. Crazy high. News to me: I am now diabetic.

During Testimony Meeting at church two days after my diagnosis, I was prompted to get up and share my testimony about the temple. I’d had the opportunity to be on the temple grounds in Oakland five of the eight days prior to my diagnosis, and on four of those days I was inside as either an ordinance worker or a patron. I can’t think of anywhere I could have been that would have better prepared me for the transition into my new life. I felt quite literally as if I was floating through the whole thing… and I’m not sure that the reality that usually rears an ugly head at some point ever will (although the oral meds they have me on for insulin regulation does really mean things to my already-messed-up digestive system). I know that much of this security and strength is coming through the faith and prayers of others, but I think in some ways even more significant is that a loving Heavenly Father provided me exactly what I needed at exactly the right time.

I found Frost again… and fell in love.

I love Robert Frost. I can’t think of many poets I could read over and over and still see things differently, but Frost is definitely at the top of that extremely short list. That first night after I was diagnosed, I pulled out his collected works and read… devoured. I discovered again through his words that it is only through our trials and pain that we have the ability to comprehend all that is good and beautiful. Several poems of his are still floating through my soul, kicking up memories and thoughts and impressions… helping me remember that it is only through knowing the emptiness that comes with solitude that we are able to eventually feel when that void is overflowing with joy.

One week before my life was turned upside down, the Oakland Temple was open late to accommodate several hundred young single adults (YSAs) in the region that were participating in a mini conference. The temple presidency contacted several YSAs that also serve as temple workers to come and assist during the extended hours. So I went. I was assigned to follow an endowment session with an old friend from high school and one of the YSA brothers on my regular Saturday temple shift. When my mom asked me the next day how the night had been, I told her that I had heard the sweetest prayer I’d ever heard offered during the session by this YSA brother.

That one simple prayer touched me in a way not many things ever have.

A few days later I received a “friend” request (still – and always will be – an awkward statement…) from someone whose name – Jason – I didn’t recognize immediately, but when I clicked on the profile I knew that it was that same brother from the temple. Although we’d worked on the same temple shift for over a year, smiling and waving when we passed each other in the halls of the temple, the first time we’d ever talked was briefly right after that session a few nights before. And he wanted to meet for lunch the following Saturday before our shift… which turned out to be the day after I found out about my diabetes.

That lunch with Jason was my first foray into the land of diabetic eating; a member of the temple presidency who was ordering lunch right behind me jokingly made comment about my ridiculously healthy selection of lentil soup with a side of steamed veggies. (I wanted to tell him what I’d eaten for lunch the day before… which would not have had anything to do with the lentils or veggies! I refrained.) Jason, however, was apparently not fazed by my new-found unintentionally health-nut ways… (which is probably more than I could have said for myself had I been in his shoes... “You seriously picked lentil soup over shepherd’s pie?!?!?”) And in that half an hour I was more comfortable talking to him than I’d ever been with many others I’d spent a whole lot more time around... even years.

Long story short (because, let’s be honest, if I give away all the details it wouldn’t be nearly as interesting or suspenseful, right? Plus he’ll probably read this… so, uh… ;0)… we saw each other both Monday and Friday of the following week, and then last week we were together Tuesday, "Black" Friday (for an all-day adventure over on the coast), Saturday and Sunday… and I, for one, can’t seem to get enough. I told him on Friday that one of my favorite things about him is that he is totally fine just “being”… spending that time together, walking along the water front, in the mountains, on the beach, talking about whatever we have on our minds (another favorite part, since I’m not exactly known for my reserved nature). It’s just been an amazing two weeks! I’m excited to see where the road in front of me leads…

Since rediscovering Robert Frost, his poem On Being Idolized has been stuck in my head for days now. The speaker is standing on the beach, firm sand beneath his feet, watching as the surf drifts in wrapping seaweed around his legs. But as the water rushes out, the false-firm foundation is swept from under him, leaving him to fall if he did not take the steps necessary to prevent it. I’ve spent the last 10 months working with the Primary kids at church, so it’s not a far stretch for this to make me think of The Wise Man & the Foolish Man song the kids learned this year… and the parable that it’s based on.

I’ve thought long and hard about how that foundation we build ourselves on truly determines whether or not we dance through the storms that come, but sometimes I wonder whether it’s sand or stone I feel beneath my feet. I don’t know if any of this makes sense, but I know that the miracle of the gospel is that sometimes what feels like having the sand undermined by the storm is really a way of getting us to the rock foundation. Sometimes those steps we are forced to take to keep from falling are the ones that ensure our feet end up where they need to be to receive the blessings meant for us. But even better is that when we feel that sand washing away to expose the stone beneath it, during that second of stumbling, of wondering if you’re really going to pull through or not, that’s when the Lord sends someone to catch you.

And Jason caught me.

Runaway Weekend

One of my best buddies from college got married a few weeks ago and he had an Open House up in Oregon this last weekend. I decided it had been way too long since I'd had my own weekend getaway, so I serviced my car, loaded her up and took off first thing Saturday morning.

Here are some of my weekend's highlights:

• Listening to Jennie Hansen's book "If I Should Die" on CD
• Spending over 10 hours driving through coniferous forests
• Not losing any more hubcaps (I lost one two days before I left...)
• Counting the number of hitchhikers between Redding, CA and Eugene, OR (i.e. a lot!)
  
• King-sized bed, all to my self
• Not getting completely lost in downtown Eugene
• Losing 1 pound while sitting idly in my car constantly munching for 18 hours (did not know this was humanly possible...)
  
• Visiting Kohls, Target and Cabelas without buying anything (again... didn't know this was possible...)
• Tots and Sippies
  
• Listening to Betsy Brannon Green's book "Murder by the Book" on CD
• Acknowledging that it really does rain constantly in Oregon...
• Seeing Mount Shasta crowned with clouds and dressed in snow... twice
• Watching two golden eagles romp and play in some trees on the side of the interstate
• Being startled by a large goat/sheep/thing (easily 3.5-4 feet tall with 18-24 inch horns) riding in the back of a pick-up truck like a dog

And of course the best parts were:

• Seeing my happily married friend and getting to meet his adorable new wife and some of his family
• Returning home with a deeper appreciation of my own cozy bed and quiet evenings with my amazing parents

Don't Forget to Look Up

Quite possibly one of the most interesting paradoxes in my life is that I love to drive, but I hate commuting. There is something about the humdrum 20.3 miles - taking anywhere between 25 minutes and an hour and a half - that has me arriving at work each morning slightly comatose, fuzz-brained and desperate to remember exactly how I got there.

However, on a free day, I love nothing more than to get in my car and "go crazy" (as we call it in my family) - driving wherever the road and my heart take me... which is often to the coast where I can devour the atmosphere of the beach, the mountain top and the dense redwood forest, all within less than 5 lateral miles. And it is not always getting out of my car to enjoy the sights that I relish the most, but simply the drive - windows down, deep breaths, winding roads and amazing vistas.

From the time my sisters and I were very small, we were taught by our parents - in part, I think to keep car-sickness from developing - to look out the windows, watch our surroundings and point out the notable things we see. Now significantly older, we still enjoy a good game of "car bingo" and pointing out the wild flora and fauna that we pass along the road (much to the consternation of some of our friends).

Just two days ago, on my way in to the Oakland Temple, I was watching the hills as I drove through a valley and spotted several small groups of deer and a flock of close to 20 wild turkey. It made me wonder how many of my fellow drivers notice the prolific wildlife that surrounds us, the green of the hills that all this rain has allowed to linger a bit longer than years past or how breath-taking this little valley was, shrouded in mist with the occasional shaft of brilliant light finding its way to earth. It was a moment of peace for me, in the middle of thrumming suburbia. And a few days before that, I arrived at home and asked my parents if they wanted to go and see if we could find the two turkey toms I passed not long before I got home. We found them, both over three feet tall, grazing in the grass outside an office building a few miles away. A few brief moments, a few extra minutes in the car, all for a new exciting memory.

I've realized that in my monotonous weekday morning drives, instead of falling back to the wide-eyed wonder of that once-small child within, I gaze in ambivalence at the gently rounded rear of the vehicle in front of me, apparently trapped in a world of the unexceptional...

I forget to look up. What moments am I missing?

The times when I am reminded to raise my eyes, usually on my way home, I have noticed a world that was quite unlike the world I thought I drove through roughly 10 hours earlier. I once came around a bend in the freeway and was briefly blinded by a hill covered from foot to crown in millions of sunlit mustard blooms - a meadow I have driven past hundreds of times and never seen. On another stretch, I noticed a seemingly unlandscaped hill covered in yellow narcissus flowers - a sight my mom (having driven down to visit me for lunch) noticed instantly. When I lived in Utah, I would see the mountains, snow covered and reflecting every color of the sunset. I would see breaches in the inversion, streaming rays through to light up one small community in the valley. And once I saw a bald eagle lift off the edge of a small pond, right off the freeway in American Fork, sprinkled by flitting rays of sunlight.

These moments have become precious to me, moments when I choose to open my eyes and truly see, instead of sitting glassy-eyed waiting for the car in front of me to inch forward. I need to remember more often how quickly one small glimpse at this beautiful world we've been given can change the entire course of my day... To remember that good things, even great things, can be seen, heard and felt when I choose to raise my eyes and take in everything I see before me.

Just a Smidgen of Spring...

This picture doesn't even begin to do them justice, but those glowing green hills just make me all warm and fuzzy inside.

2010 Reads

The Heretic Queen (Michelle Moran)*
Voice in the Night (C. Paul Andersen)
Deception (Sian Ann Bessey)
The Lovely Bones (Alice Sebold)
The Lightning Thief (Rick Riordan) - Percy Jackson & the Olympians Book 1
The Anatomy of Peace (The Arbinger Institute)*
She Said Yes (Misty Bernall)
The Heart Only Knows (Kerry Blair)
Hearts in Hiding (Betsy Brannon Green)
Perfect Shot (Sonia O'Brien)
Winter's Promise (Janene Wolsey Baadsgaard)
All I Hold Dear (Jennie Hansen)
The Elegance of the Hedgehog (Muriel Barbery)*
A Train to Potevka (Mike Ramsdell)
The Ruins of Gorlan (John Flanagan)*
Perfect Timing (Michele Ashman Bell)
Dangerous Games (Keith Morris)
Danger Trail (Boyd Richardson)
Divine Justice (David Baldacci)
Stone Cold (David Baldacci)
Edge of Night (Carol Warburton)
Eyes of a Stranger (Carol Warburton)
The Operative (Willard Boyd Gardner)
My Gal Sunday (Mary Higgins Clark)
First Love, Second Chances (Anita Stansfield)
First Love & Forever (Anita Stansfield)
Sam (Jack Weyland)
Charly (Jack Weyland)
Just Take My Heart (Mary Higgins Clark)
The Reluctant Heiress (Eva Ibbotson)
It Only Takes a Moment (Mary Jane Clark)
Mattimeo (Brian Jacques)
Mossflower (Brian Jacques)
The Christmas List (Richard Paul Evans)
The Message (Lance Richardson)
Journey to the River Sea (Eva Ibbotson)
Island of the Aunts (Eva Ibbotson)
Dial-a-Ghost (Eva Ibbotson)
A Bend in the Road (Nicholas Sparks)
Aurelia (Anne Osterlund)
The Secret of Platform 13 (Eva Ibbotson)
Not Just a Witch (Eva Ibbotson)
Which Witch? (Eva Ibbotson)
The Great Ghost Rescue (Eva Ibbotson)
A Christmas Carol (Charles Dickens)
War and Peace (Leo Tolstoy) ... yup, still plugging away...

* CV I R.S. Book Club books...

Christmas Letter 2010

Dear Family & Friends,

My favorite part of this beautiful holiday season is the time I spend reflecting on the last twelve months… on the changes, the personal growth and – most importantly – the blessings I’ve experienced. At the close of 2010, I know that I have much to be grateful for.

At the end of January, I was laid off from my job in Utah. In the face of confusion, frustration and a little fear and doubt, I felt an overwhelming peace in the belief that this was truly for the best and would simply be a shortcut to the road my life really need to journey down. So, on February 15^th, my little car packed to the gills, I left my home in Utah and headed west, back to the home I thought I’d never permanently return to – California. While nothing could have adequately prepared me for the six months that followed, I was optimistic that my life was being guided and that everything would turn out for the best.

I know now more than ever that everything happens for a reason. My return to California has been marked by some of the most profound experiences of my life… profound on many levels. I have experienced more fear and doubt through some of my trials, but I have also been filled with more faith, more hope and more love. And I know that without one small "setback" in January, I would not have been where I needed to be when I was needed most.

I am so grateful and humbled for my Savior Jesus Christ and the many miracles He blessed me with this year. My experiences have led me to a deeper appreciation for the things that matter most… my family, my friends and my faith.

As we celebrate His birth and life this year, I hope we each can find ways to recognize more of the many blessings that constantly come our way and to express our gratitude to those in our lives that mean the most.

Thank you for being one of mine.

Happy Christmas!

Thanksgiving Daily

Thanksgiving Daily
Mormon Messages, LDS.org

Our minds have a marvelous capacity to notice the unusual. However, the opposite is true as well. The more often we see the things around us, even the beautiful and wonderful things, the more they become invisible to us. That’s why we often take for granted the beauty of this world – the flowers, the trees, the birds, the clouds, even those we love. Because we see things so often, we see them less and less. Those who live in thanksgiving daily, however, have a way of opening their eyes and seeing the wonders and beauties of this world as though seeing them for the fist time. Look around you. Notice the people you care about. Notice the fragrance of the flowers and the song of the bird. Notice and give thanks for the blue of the sky, the red of the leaves and the white of the clouds, every sight, every smell, every taste, every sound. When we open our eyes and give thanks for the bountiful beauty of this life, we live in thanksgiving daily.

President Thomas S. Monson:

A grateful heart, then, comes through expressing gratitude to our Heavenly Father for His blessings and to those around us for all that they bring into our lives. This requires conscious effort – at least until we have truly learned and cultivated an attitude of gratitude.

Day 28: What's In My Purse

Question of the Year: What isn't in my purse?
Answer: Not the kitchen sink. But that's about all that's not in there...

This is an exhaustive list of items in my purse when I left for work this morning:

Clutch/Wallet
Checkbook
A Quart-sized Ziploc Bag with Coupons and Gift Cards (Whoa! and a Sees 1-Pound Gift Certificate… Totally forgot that was in there!)
House & Car Keys
Work Keys & Badge
Temple Locker Key
Peppermint Oil
Orbit Bubblemint
5 Cobalt Gum
Mirror
Cell Phone
Camera
iTouch in its Pouch
iTouch Headphones
2 MicroSD Adapters
Sunglasses
Eye Glass Carrying Case
2 Eye Glass Cleaning Cloths
Hair Clip
Mini Advil Bottle (with Tylenol, Ibuprofen and – ironically – only 1 Advil)
2 fl. oz. Bottle of Bath & Body Works Velvet Tuberose Body Lotion
PetSmart Pet Perks Card (not in my wallet, so listed separately)
4 Pens
1 Highlighter
First Aid Kit (Bandaids, gauze, sterilized cotton swabs, cough drops, alcohol wipes)
Personal Necessities Pouch

• Neosporin
• Face Cream
• Comb
• Lipstick (What? I never wear lipstick! Weird.)
• Mascara
• Pocket Knife
• BrushPicks
• Tampons
  
• Hair Elastic
• Hand Wipes
• Nail Clippers
  
• Arbonne Skin Conditioning Oil
• Salt (??)
  

Perfect Shot (Sonia O’Brien)
The Book of Mormon (one of the mini ones…)
Chocolate (2 Mini Almond Joy, 1 Mini PayDay, 1 Mini Reeces)
A Printed Map Locating the Bridal Shower I’m Attending Tonight

Day 27: My Worst Habit

Running late. A lot of people think they start running late as soon as they wake up in the morning, but I’m pretty sure my “running late” starts before I go to sleep the night before. I just can’t catch up.

Day 26: My Week In Great Detail

Ok, I think that yesterday’s post more than covered the “Great Detail” of my life. This is the good parts version of this last week (which means mostly evenings and weekends)… and since many weeks are fairly similar, this is a fair pattern for what I do with most of my time. For purposes of serving my memory a little easier, I’m going backwards starting with today:

Tuesday:
Read (Perfect Shot – Sonia O’Brien)
Movie (Pirates of the Caribbean: At Worlds End)
Ice Cream at Baskin Robbins with Mom and Dad (probably half the Tuesdays out there…)
Dinner (Oh, wait… Not this time.)
Lunch (Arby’s with Mom)
Breakfast (Oatmeal)

Monday:
Read (Perfect Shot – Sonia O’Brien)
Chuck (Regular date night = me + Mom + Chuck)
Dinner (Hash browns, pancake, pears)
Lunch (Carl’s Jr.)
Breakfast (Oatmeal)

Sunday:
Read (Winter’s Promise – Janene Wolsey Baadsgaard)
Movie (Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest)
Dinner (Turkey, cranberry orange glaze, mashed potatoes, green beans)
Flute Practice for Stake Conference
Church
Breakfast (Hash browns, pancakes, eggs)

Saturday:
Read (Winter’s Promise – Janene Wolsey Baadsgaard)
Talked with Mom for 2 Hours
Dinner (In’N’Out Burger & fries)
Midsingles Halloween Activity (This was awesome!)
Oakland Temple Shift (2:00pm-6:00pm)
Cleaned House
Breakfast (Oatmeal and soft boiled eggs)

Friday:
Read (Winter’s Promise – Janene Wolsey Baadsgaard)
Movie (How to Train Your Dragon)
Dinner (Leftover, I think…)
Lunch (Chipotle with Mom)
Breakfast (Oatmeal)

Thursday:
Read (All I Hold Dear – Jennie Hansen)
Book Club (The Elegance of the Hedgehog – Muriel Barbury)
Dinner (Baked potato bar & chicken enchiladas)
Lunch (Los Panchos – mini happy super wet chunky beef burrito… at least that’s what it said on my receipt)
Breakfast (Forgot… to eat it, that is.)

Wednesday:
Read (All I Hold Dear – Jennie Hansen)
Dinner (Chicken enchiladas)
Worked 10.5 Hours (Yay!)
Lunch (Madras lentils with Fritos)
Breakfast (Oatmeal)

Day 25: My Day In Great Detail

This officially has the potential to be an excessively boring post. My days tend to be the same in a lot of ways, especially a work day like today. So, in general, this is a normal work day for me:

6:05am My alarm goes off.
6:10am My alarm goes off. I change it to go off at 6:30am.
6:30am My alarm goes off.
6:35am My alarm goes off. I get out of bed.
6:40 – 7:30am Shower, hair, makeup, dressed.
7:35-755am (Depending on the day…) I grab my purse and load up my phone, iTouch and the book I’m reading. I fill up two 32oz cups with crushed ice, set the flag out front and head out the door, usually letting O’Malley (cat) in for the day as I’m leaving.
8:20-8:50am I get to work after taking approximately 55 minutes to drive 21.5 miles.
10:00am I wake up.
8:30am-5:30pm (or 6:00pm or 8:00pm or 9:30pm…) I work. Proofing campaigns, writing copy, approving, reviewing, uploading… My computer and I get a lot of face time.
Sometime after 12:00pm and before 3:0pm Lunch.
6:00pm-Sometime after that… I get home.
When I Get Home-Later Dinner. Usually watch a movie with Mom and Dad. Sometimes we just read. There’s a variety of evening activities… Just depends on the night.
10:30pm I head to bed. Usually read for a while. Battle for bed space with the cats.
11:30pm-12:00am Sleep happens.

That’s probably more detail than anyone ever needed to have written down…

As a side note, I would like to express how obnoxious I think "working" is. Not "work". I love to work. I like being productive and the sense of accomplishing things. I just think it’s really weird, that we spend 80% of our waking hours essentially with strangers, and very little time with friends and family. Does this seem weird to anyone else? Just asking…

Day 24: Where I Live

I live in the suburbs of San Francisco. Since moving back from Utah 8 months ago, I’ve really come to remember what it is that I loved so much about growing up here. Aside from the people (we have amazing friends), the things I love most about Northern California have to do simply with the geography of the area. I can visit the mountains, the redwoods, the beach, the city and the country… all in one day. That’s the long and short of it. I’m also a fan of the weather: not super hot very often, and it rains off and on all winter long. I miss the snow and the thunder storms in Utah (amongst other things, like my friends and family that live out there)… but as much as I miss “home” in Utah, it feels so good to be back “home” here in California. It’s always good to know that you are where you are supposed to be… when you are supposed to be there.

Day 23: A YouTube Video

This video and I have a very long history. The long and short of it is that this video is the end-all-be-all of making me laugh no matter where I am, what I'm doing... and no matter how miserable I happen to feel at the time.

I hope you enjoy.

Oh yah, I forgot to mention... It will totally be stuck in your head for days now. :0)